Your Body, Your Decisions: Fertility, Miscarriage, and Birth
Our body is an inseparable part of our personal and feminine identity. The very experience of existence is rooted in having a body and trusting that it will protect us throughout our lives. In this sense, our experience of the body is intertwined with emotions and thoughts. Self-esteem, respect, and our ability to control our body and make decisions about it influence our sense of security. Over time, many women develop a taken-for-granted assumption that their body is simply there, functioning as expected, just as it has for many years. What has been will continue to be.
In this context, when a woman wants to bring a child into the world and sees other women around her successfully doing so, she expects it to happen for her as well. She anticipates that within a few months, she will conceive, and within a year of deciding to have a baby, there will be one in her home. When the body behaves as expected, there is a sense of security and trust. But what happens when it does not "comply"? When pregnancy does not occur? Or, tragically, when pregnancy ends unexpectedly, perhaps due to fetal abnormalities? When childbirth does not unfold as imagined—the result can be a profound loss of control. Instead of feeling ownership over their bodies, women may feel as if their bodies have become a medical experiment, subjected to protocols and timelines.
The Body That Suddenly Feels Like Someone Else’s
Women dealing with fertility struggles or pregnancy loss often describe the sensation that their body no longer feels like their own (1, 2). It undergoes endless tests, is monitored, measured, injected with medications and hormones, yet it does not "do what it is supposed to do." A sense of detachment arises, as if the body is operating separately from them, beyond their control.
This loss of control extends beyond medical settings. Women report that alongside coping with their body, they also face societal and family pressures. "When will you have children? What are you waiting for?" These questions are frequently asked, and for couples experiencing fertility difficulties, they are particularly painful. There is a sense of loneliness, a need to hide their personal struggles, and distress in the face of an environment that may not always understand or support their pain.
“I felt like my body had become a battleground. Every test was another invasion. Every treatment was a reminder of how my body wasn’t functioning properly,” says Dana, 36, after two rounds of fertility treatments. These feelings become even more intense when loss is involved—recurrent miscarriages, pregnancies that do not progress, childbirth that does not go as envisioned. The body, which was supposed to create life, suddenly fails to fulfill its role. Many women experience this as a betrayal, and it takes a long time to pick up the pieces and feel at home in their body again.
When the Body Becomes a Medical Case
Medicine saves lives, but it can sometimes feel impersonal and mechanical (3, 4). Many women who have experienced difficult births describe feeling as if they disappeared from the process—that they became just a patient, merely a body, rather than an individual experiencing a profound life event. "They made decisions without asking me, they did things I didn’t always understand," says Noa, who gave birth via emergency C-section. "Only after waking up from surgery did I even understand what had happened to me."
This experience of unexplained medical interventions, pain left unacknowledged, and technical, detached treatment further erodes a woman's sense of control over her body. When childbirth is over, and a woman returns home, she is left with a body that has undergone trauma—and often, with very little emotional support to process what has happened.
Similar feelings emerge in fertility treatments, which involve repeated blood tests, hormone injections, egg retrieval, embryo transfers, and more. Women frequently describe these processes as cold and technical, resembling an "assembly line" in an industrialized process.
How to Rebuild Trust in the Body
The first step is to acknowledge that these feelings are real and valid. Many women feel isolated in these experiences, yet they are widely shared.
Professional Support: A woman who feels she has someone to turn to, someone who listens and accompanies her through the process, experiences a greater sense of control over the entire journey. Support from a professional who understands the emotional aspects of medical experiences can provide a source of strength and help restore a sense of agency over one’s body and decisions.
Reconnecting with Your Body: As in previous discussions, any form of movement or physical activity can be beneficial. Gentle movement that respects the body's limitations—such as swimming or walking—can help foster a renewed connection. Not as an obligation, not because it is "necessary," but as a means of feeling present in the body again. After childbirth, pelvic floor physical therapy may be needed. Many women hesitate to seek this treatment, yet it is a crucial step that can significantly improve quality of life. These treatments are available through health insurance plans or private practitioners. Additionally, the Paula Method, which focuses on gentle activation of circular muscles, can be highly beneficial for women in these situations.
Demanding Information and Rights: Understanding medical procedures, asking questions, and not settling for unclear explanations can help women regain a sense of control the next time they encounter the medical system. *
Summary
There is no single "right way" to cope with the intense experiences women undergo in the journey to bring children into the world. Please remember that you are not alone. Many women have gone through similar experiences, and your body—even if you feel distant from it right now—is still yours. It is possible, step by step, to find your way back to it. And ultimately, you hope, and we all hope alongside you, that at the end of this journey you will hold a baby in your arms—and that will make it all worth it.
*See my blog for guidelines on medical tests and procedures.
References
Beck, C. T. (2004). Post-traumatic stress disorder due to childbirth: The aftermath. Nursing Research, 53(4), 216-224.
Kendall-Tackett, K. (2017). Depression in new mothers: Causes, consequences, and treatment alternatives. Routledge.
Callister, L. C. (2004). Making meaning: Women's birth narratives. Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic, & Neonatal Nursing, 33(4), 508-518.
Oakley, A. (1984). The captured womb: A history of the medical care of pregnant women. Basil Blackwell.
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