The Complexities of Learning from Experience

In my practice, I have often observed that individuals seek out a professional who brings a wealth of life experience to the conversation. They find a sense of safety and comfort in discussing their challenges with someone who has undoubtedly seen, heard, and overcome obstacles. In this respect, experience is an invaluable resource.

However, the true value of experience is not in offering a simple playbook for others. It serves as a foundation for critical thought, but it is not a set of instructions to be copied. The reality is that every individual's journey and every viable solution are unique to their specific circumstances. This article will explore the deeper complexities and challenges of learning from experience.

When the Experience of Others Becomes a Guide

Individuals often view the success stories of others as a practical guide. The assumption is that by replicating a successful action, one can guarantee a similar outcome.

This assumption, however, is fundamentally flawed. Experience is not a mathematical formula that can be precisely replicated. It is inextricably tied to the specific person, their unique circumstances, and their internal and external world. What proved effective for one person may be entirely irrelevant for another. While their experience is a valuable asset to them, for others it serves, at most, as a tool for understanding broader principles. Experience is inherently personal and unique, making its direct replication an action that will not necessarily yield the desired result, and whose outcomes are unpredictable.

The Other Side of the Coin: Exaggeration in Response to Experience

Another common pitfall in learning from experience is the tendency to exaggerate or overcorrect. When we learn from a negative experience, our response is often not to simply fix the mistake, but to jump to the complete opposite extreme, which is also an error.

A clear example of this is in parenting. An individual who grew up in a home with an overly strict parent may conclude from this past experience that such a method is ineffective. As a result, when they become a parent, they may adopt a completely permissive approach, avoiding the establishment of boundaries or parental authority, and raising their children with absolute freedom. Both excessive strictness and a complete lack of boundaries are detrimental to a child's well-being. This demonstrates how a misguided "learning" from a negative experience can lead to another problematic situation.

The Logical Fallacy of Generalization

The most significant problem with learning from experience lies in the tendency to generalize. When something fails, individuals often draw sweeping conclusions from that specific case. For example, following a failed business venture or a relationship that ended, they may deduce broad insights such as, "I will never date someone like that again," or "I will never invest in a business of that type."

This type of generalization is problematic because it ignores crucial questions: What has changed about me since that time? What environmental factors were involved? Would the outcome have been completely different in a different situation or with different people?

Moreover, when this "experience" is shared, it often takes the form of interrupting someone’s story to immediately interject one's own, presented as "wise advice." This is a projection of one's own internal world, assuming a universal truth that does not exist. A more productive approach is to offer a question rather than a statement, inviting the other person to reflect on their own unique situation. This is not about providing answers, but about encouraging genuine learning and self-discovery.

Conclusion

So, what is the alternative to relying on experience? The solution is not to abandon it entirely, but to approach it with caution and wisdom. Instead of using it as a rigid manual for a single solution, let us use it as a tool for critical thought. Experience is not meant to tell us "what to do," but rather "what to know." It does not teach us "how," but rather "why."

Experience can be a powerful tool if utilized carefully and deliberately. It can expand our knowledge and help us identify patterns, but it must not be mistaken for an exact blueprint for reality. Ultimately, life is not a single experience but a complete collection of unique events.

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Nirit Eshkar Tolkowsky

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