When Life Changes: Women Coping with Changes in Their Partners After Trauma
Throughout life, we encounter numerous changes, both personal and relational. In some cases, these changes are natural and gradual, a part of personal or relational growth. However, in other instances, the change is sudden and dramatic. This article focuses on women whose partners have experienced trauma—either physical or psychological—leading to significant changes in behavior or personality. It discusses the unique challenges these women face and offers approaches for coping.
Trauma and Its Impact on Partners
Trauma can stem from various situations: life-threatening events like combat or terror attacks, witnessing horrific incidents, or dealing with severe physical injuries such as strokes or brain injuries. These events affect not only the body and mind but also personal and relational dynamics.
In the past year, since the events of October 7th, many women in Israel have faced this reality up close. Partners returning from traumatic experiences—whether from military service on the front lines or supporting efforts on the home front—often do not come back as the same people they were before. The trauma may manifest as outbursts of anger, withdrawal, communication difficulties, or even significant personality changes.
The Brain as the Center of Change
The brain is the central organ managing emotional, behavioral, and social responses. When the brain is injured or subjected to severe emotional trauma, the result is often significant changes in behavior and functioning. Research shows that areas such as the amygdala (responsible for emotional responses) and the hippocampus (responsible for memory and processing experiences) are particularly affected by trauma.
Examples of Changes:
Brain injury: A person recovering physically from an accident may find that their responses have changed. They might struggle to control their emotions, experience sudden anger, or exhibit extreme mood swings.
Psychological trauma: Someone who witnessed a harrowing event may suffer from persistent anxiety, restlessness, or a desire to avoid social situations that were previously a natural part of their life.
Such changes are not easy to understand—neither for the person experiencing them nor for their surroundings. The individual may feel they no longer recognize themselves, while their close ones, particularly their partners, find themselves navigating life with someone new—different, and at times distant or even intimidating.
The Challenges for Women Partners
Living alongside a partner who has undergone trauma presents unique and profound challenges. Many women describe a sense of loss—not only of their previous routines but also of the person they knew and loved. Instead of the familiar partner, they find themselves facing someone almost unrecognizable, who reacts differently to situations and often struggles to express warmth, intimacy, or love.
Key Challenges:
Communication barriers: A partner who withdraws or responds unpredictably makes it difficult to establish open dialogue.
Feelings of loneliness: Many women report bearing the weight of family and household responsibilities alone, especially when their partner withdraws from shared responsibilities.
A sense of helplessness: Without tools for coping, the changes can deepen relational gaps.
Shame or guilt: Often, the surrounding environment fails to grasp the depth of the change, leaving women feeling isolated in their struggle, hesitant to share their distress or relational challenges.
Real-Life Examples
A woman whose husband suffered a stroke describes how he, once a social and lively individual, became withdrawn and irritable. She recounts the difficulty of finding a new way to sustain their shared life.
Another woman, whose husband was involved in a traumatic combat event, shares how he began waking up at night screaming and struggling with severe anxiety. This caused immense strain on their relationship and required daily adjustments to a new reality.
Understanding the Process
One of the key challenges in such situations is understanding that this is a natural phenomenon. Sudden changes, especially those resulting from trauma, are the body and mind's natural responses to extreme events. These changes are not a matter of choice but rather the outcome of complex physiological and neurological reactions. Understanding this can help women cope with the new reality and reduce feelings of guilt or shame.
It's essential to note that explaining the source of these behavioral changes is not meant to diminish the affected partner's responsibility but to provide a starting point for joint efforts to improve the situation. A person experiencing such changes needs to make an effort to address their behavior and not accept the new state as permanent. This acknowledgment is crucial, without this awareness and accountability, meaningful change becomes much more challenging."
What Can Be Done?
Adopt a comprehensive approach: Psychological and medical treatments, as well as integrating physical activities, can be incredibly helpful.
Seek professional help and support: Today, there are many resources available including support groups and workshops tailored to the families of trauma survivors.
Maintain honesty in the relationship: Open communication, even when challenging, can serve as a first step toward improvement.
Don’t give up: In cases where outbursts or harmful behaviors impact the family, it's important to act. Even small adjustments can lead to significant improvement.
In Conclusion
This article aims to shed light on the phenomenon and reassure women that they are not alone in this struggle. Understanding the mechanisms behind these changes can help reduce feelings of isolation and frustration and provide foundational knowledge to start navigating the complex process that their partners and they themselves are going through. Knowledge and understanding can serve as the basis for treatment and improvement.
Bibliography:
Van Der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.
McEwen, B. S. (2007). Physiology and neurobiology of stress and adaptation: Central role of the brain. Physiological Reviews, 87(3), 873–904.
Prigatano, G. P. (2010). The importance of the patient’s subjective experience in stroke rehabilitation. Topics in Stroke Rehabilitation, 17(6), 369–378.
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